A Heavy Heart

This summer I had one big project that I needed to tackle. Completing Annalise’s Half the Sky Memory Book. It is a 24 page document of hand written journal enters and reports written by her HTS Grandmothers. Every page is so precious to me and I thank God for these small glimpses into the first 2 years of Chu Chu’s life.

I have hours now into the translation and creation of this Memory Book. I chose not to use my agency to translate the document but to use my good friend Sonya who wrote every word out for me. Then I typed it into a document. It felts like I have been living little Chu Chu's life but my hands are tied unable to help her.

Chu Chu didn’t actually come to Shenzhen SWI until 7 weeks after she was found. She was about 2 ½ months old. She was in the hospital recovering from surgery. She would then be hospitalized 3 more time before her first birthday with bacterial infections of the trachea translated as Asthmatic Tracheitis. She spent her first birthday in isolation with scabies all over her body. Her first Grandmother was only in her life for a short time and then she was gone. When she was in isolation Luo Wei Dong came into her life and was there for her until she handed her to me on gotcha day. They were extremely bonded.

I have been so emotional the last few days wanting to cry at almost anything. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong is it getting to be that time of the month, was I stressing on the upcoming school year that looms in the distance? Possibly, but then it occurred to me that I was grieving. Grieving for the time I had missed. Most of all for not being able to keep my baby safe and protected, for not being there to comfort her when she was so sick and almost near death. My heart has been breaking it just kills me to think of her lying in a crib all alone covered in sores and sweating in pain. I do know that her Grandmothers did go and visit her in the hospital and held her, rocked her and talked to her. But this is only a small amount of comfort that I know she so desperately needed.

Annalise is an example of a true fighter a spirit that will never give up. She is very strong willed and quite stubborn at times. Her need for control proves to me that she did everything she could to survive those first 2 years. She has difficulties trusting others, is fearful of new people and new situations. It takes her a while to open up and sometimes even longer to let someone in that truly loves her. Her bond with me is very strong but she has trouble letting anyone else in.

The process of making this book was a lot harder then I had very imagined. No wonder I procrastinated for over 2 years. It has been a true process of love from the first entry in Shenzhen to these final pages still yet to be completed. I hope by finishing this book I can brings closure on these 2 years. It does give me comfort to know though the enterys in this memory book, even though she was very sick, in pain and all alone, she was loved by HTS. I am so thankful to them for all they did for my little baby girl.

Here is another look at the video I made of the pictures from the HTS Memory Book and the camera I sent in the care pacage. It has been viewed amost 600 times. I know I can't get enough of it.